The doctor said it would happen. Not “it might happen” or “be on the lookout just in case…” she said it *would* happen and it has.
The little black rain cloud has shown up for it’s turn to test me. It finally got word that I had made it off of my medications successfully, and while it had to rearrange some appointments it had elsewhere in the universe, it made it to visit and I can’t seem to get it to go away. I know I need to be patient. It will do it’s worst, get bored and head off to it’s next client. It will chuckle as it leaves, as rainclouds are wont to do, and will admit to itself that I passed the test.
Right now though, I wish it would take that emergency call from the guy in Oswego. No, I don’t know the guy’s name or wish him ill, only that it’s been awhile since the Little Black Raincloud paid him a visit and it’s about time for him to realize and appreciate the sunshine he’s had for so long. He’ll make it through too. Little Black Rainclouds are hardly lethal. It’s their big brothers you really have to watch out for.
I’ve known it was here. For about a week or so, I’ve felt like pulling into my shell and finally becoming the turtle I always knew I could be.
“You’d make a good turtle, you know?” Little Black Raincloud has told me. “You don’t have to let anyone in around you. The things that make you sad and upset right now will bounce right off of that shell. Right off of it with hardly a *ping!* Why, you’d not even notice.”
Little Black Raincloud has talked to me about being a failure. About not currently working. “And wow, that’s a good thing because how much stuff could you mess up if you were? Think about it- messing up someone else’s stuff for a change! I mean you’re all the time messing up your own affairs. You’re the reason we can’t have nice things around here, you know.”
I wish that the Little Black Raincloud would shut up.
I’ve tried to get it to go away. Ignoring it only encourages it to go into its closet and pull out the loud Hawaiian shirts and strobe lights to gain more attention. Confronting it makes it that much louder. It pulls a giant megaphone from the inside of its long black coat and shouts back in my face exactly what it thinks and how wrong I am.
The doctor said that when the raincloud came around, not to necessarily outright fight it, but to be patient and not let it get to me. I guess that’s a form of fighting isn’t it? I wonder if she knew that I’d get this particular Little Black Raincloud or if they’re all alike. I’m trying to heed her advice.
I wish the Little Black Raincloud would let me sleep. I don’t like being awake at three in the morning wondering if I should even consider bothering with the continuation of my studies. Telling me what a fraud I am and reminding me of the patronizing smiles and the “oh that’s nice-es” from the past. The little Black Raincloud is capital at convincing me that I have no idea what I’m doing and laughs at me for sharing my “work” (“Is that what you call it?” he says haughtily) and points out all of the flaws in what up to now I’ve been proud of.
Little Black Raincloud shakes his head in scorn and scolds me for spending so much money on things that will ultimately go nowhere. He tells me that my dad was right when he told me long ago that “It’s not worth doing if you can’t make money at it.” His laughter becomes thunderous when I tell him that it’s just something that I enjoy. “You don’t get to ‘enjoy’ anything, silly girl. Grow up!” he booms.
It bothers me the most when Little Black Raincloud tries to talk to me about other people. How nobody really cares. He tells me that I’m a pest to everyone and if I had half a brain, I’d just leave people and things well enough alone. He’s amazing at making me feel embarrassed for the things I’ve done and the kind of person I am. “Turtles are nice,” he reminds me. “Nobody is embarrassed to associate with a turtle.”
He’s cruel. At least he doesn’t rain like his dangerous big brothers. As long as no part of him touches me, I’m okay. I’ll cry, I’ll brood, I’ll take too much of what he says to heart and yes, I’ll pull in and away from people and things. I already have. That’s where I am right now. I know that it’s a matter of gritting my teeth and trying to press on to get out from under his shadow. I don’t know how much time he’s allowed for me, but it can’t be forever. I’ll survive his visit and things will continue.
I’ve met his brothers in the past. The Big Black Stormclouds reached out their spidery electric fingers and caressed my hair. They bathed me in their own tears and took me dangerously close into their dark layers of fog where I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. The Big Black Stormclouds tricked me into believing all they had to tell me and how the darkness that they had created was a better permanence than the existence I was trying to maintain. I lived with them for years, I was their consort; servant; slave. I know that the Little Black Raincloud could call them back at a moment’s notice and they’d be here ready to reintroduce themselves all while smiling huge, sharply toothed grins. They’d try to get me to take comfort in the return of old friends and the cycle would begin again.
This is one Little Black Raincloud. One that’s probably as afraid of his brothers as I am. They don’t give him any credit after all, just push him along while they take over his work. He’s not even going to rain. Just threaten a downpour. I know he’ll be gone soon and if I’m lucky, I’ll get a rainbow when he leaves. I just need to be patient. And while turtles are nice, I don’t really want to turn into one. At least not forever.