August 7

It’s one of those mornings. Maybe it’s Monday. My mind is going a million miles a minute with no goal in sight other than to exhaust itself before it finally stops. My attention won’t land anywhere in particular other than the worries that are manifesting.

It’s doctor appointment day.

A year ago, they started scaring me. Until last year, I’d always gotten clean bills of health. All of their fears have turned out to be a series of”nothings.” Nothing but a drain on my bank account and a rise in anxiety over having more tests done and waiting to hear results. Too many false alarms when I know that everything is all right. I should just trust my gut. For real.

But they’ll want to see me again in three months to keep tabs on something.

I kinda think that the rainy weather is trying to keep me in check because out of anxiety I keep thinking of things to do.”I need to take the trash out,” “I need to go out on the back patio, check my flowers,” that sort of thing. Every time I start to break away for one of these things, a cloud bursts.

So I’ve stayed inside.

I’ve done my yoga.

I took a shower.

I got something to eat.

I watched some tv.

I wrote.

And little by little, as I realize the time is getting closer to leave, the anxiety ebbs. I’m sure it will be back, but I’m getting by for now.

 

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