Today, I realized…



I had a really odd day today.

I woke up sick as a dog. So sick that I was sure I had the flu. Not now, I can’t be sick. We have a show tomorrow that we’ve been looking forward to for months. Our anniversary is Thursday. School was this evening. I. Cannot. Be. Sick.

I realized that even though I felt horrible, that it was as a result of that time of the month. I wasn’t truly sick in the sense that I might be down for a couple of days, and that was a good thing.

As a result, I spent an hour in the tub. While I was relaxing, I put the color on my hair I had gotten to even out my roots. Halfway through the process, I noticed that the color was quite a bit darker than I thought it would be. I didn’t want to go back so dark. I had worked really hard to strip out the old color…

I realized after the process that it actually matched the ends of my hair It was still  lighter than the black that I had worked so hard to strip, and it looks really quite good.

School was to be at a different location tonight. Somewhere I had never been. I’d have to take a different bus that I’d never taken before and I’d have to hope to heavens that I managed to signal somewhere around the right stop. The bus driver was filling in for the regular driver and while she was very sweet, she admitted that she didn’t really know where it was I needed to go.

I realized that I didn’t have to leave any earlier to get to school at the different location. I realized that I had a little bit of extra time to get some food and something to take with me to drink during class. I didn’t feel as rushed. And that felt good.

I  also realized that the transfer to the new bus was painless and I found my stop quite easily. I had no problems finding the studio and it was nice to be someplace outside of the normal classroom. Different was good.

I forgot that I was to bring my gear with me tonight to practice lighting techniques. Ordinarily, we don’t bring our equipment and in not feeling well, it slipped my mind.  There was no way to go home and get mine, but I figured I was at least there, I could observe and make notes. Understand what was being taught and would hopefully retain it until next time.

I realized it wasn’t so hard to let my teacher know that I had forgotten my gear. It wasn’t the end of the world that I was the only person there without a camera for the evening. He had an extra and it gave me an opportunity to try something new. While there were a few settings on his that I wasn’t sure how to change, I did my best and I realized that for never picking up that calibre of camera before, I was doing good.

I felt myself become nervous at the end of class when the teacher began talking about our going to the baseball camp to practice technique. I didn’t want him to know that I had transportation issues. I didn’t want to let him know that I’d pretty much decided to not take part in that one session of class simply because I wasn’t sure how I would get there and I felt embarrassed to admit to anyone that I didn’t drive. I felt my cheeks flush when another student that I had talked to innocently mentioned to him that she knew I didn’t drive and might need some assistance getting there- could anyone help?

And then I realized that this wasn’t a horrible thing. Nobody laughed at me. Nobody stood with their mouths wide open chanting “why don’t you drive?” The teacher understood and said we might be able to work something out and other students actually seemed like they would sincerely help me out. I know the other student didn’t mean to embarrass me, she honestly wanted me to have my chance to go as well. Knowing that other people cared, and that the one thing that I do fear judgement on, wasn’t a factor.  I actually felt better with this out in the open. My classmates’ care and acceptance felt really good.

When I got home, I decided to treat myself to some strawberries and cream in a monkey shaped bowl. I went to put a little sugar on the strawberries and it poured out like mad, drowning them. I cursed a little.

I realized that the strawberries were a little too tart after all, and the extra sugar made them taste…really good.

While eating the strawberries, I got to thinking about everything that happened today. How many things there were that kept popping up, seeming like obstacles. Making me feel like maybe I should just go crawl back into bed, turn out the lights and try again tomorrow. I got to thinking about how my anxiety felt more present today. How I felt like certain things were a chore that I was working through rather than enjoying my day.  How scared I was to take a different bus to a new place, to learn something I’d never done. How that was probably affecting my stomach this morning too. How nervous and disappointed in myself, and somewhat embarrassed that I had forgotten my camera. And did my hair look anywhere near normal? It wasn’t too dark again was it? How could I not have controlled the sugar bag? Now they know that I don’t drive…. and….and…and…

And then I realized, that I did it.

I realized that this was *me.* Doing the thing. *I* moved forward. There wasn’t a medication controlling my reaction the anxiety i faced and felt. This was all my doing and nothing caught fire and burned… well, except for the baseball bat my teacher used for our technique lesson tonight. (Which was awesome by the way.) This was my facing my fears, feeling and accepting the emotion that came with them and choosing to control my outlook on how things turned out.

I realized that nothing really had been that bad today.

In fact…

It all turned out pretty good.




Let’s think about happiness…

So can I rant for a minute?  Generally, I try not to weigh in on anything too heavy, but I saw a graphic today that spoke to me. And while it was posted in regards to a very popular game right now, it got me thinking and I wonder how crazy I am.
Let’s set up some disclaimers on this before I begin. I am *not* talking about anything life threatening. I’m not talking about the state of the world, we’re not talking politics, violence, religion, civil rights, ANYTHING along those lines. Those are very real, scary topics that deserve discussion, debate, etc. That is *not* what this is about. Nothing where anybody is in danger, getting hurt, none of that.
Now, with that out of the way, let me set up a little scenario for you. Yes, this will sound silly, but bear with me- it’s the best way I can think of to get my point across.
Say when you were five years old, your aunt had some handmade pottery on a shelf. You never gave much thought to that pottery until the day that it fell off of the shelf. Being that you were five years old, it knocked you for a loop when it fell on your head. You were okay, but you obviously had a bad taste in your mouth regarding handmade pottery for the rest of your life. It’s understandable. You have a very real personal reason for disliking pottery. Maybe you can overcome it, maybe you can’t, who knows, doesn’t matter. I would expect you to be vocal about your dislike for pottery. Truthfully, I wouldn’t expect you to really even want to discuss it. But if you do- that’s okay. You’re allowed.
Now, we’ll talk about a totally different you. You never had an aunt with a violent piece of pottery. Got it? Good. Anyhow, you wander into a shop. Could be any kind of shop really. For the sake of making this really off the wall, let’s say it was a toy store. But the shop owner also dabbled in handmade pottery. You go into said store to look around and there’s a small display of this pottery. Maybe you don’t “get” pottery. Maybe you’re having a bad day. Maybe you’ve been in seventy shops already and all of them have had a small display of handmade pottery. We don’t know, doesn’t matter. But, you start actively complaining to the shopkeeper (who is very proud of his hobby-maybe he has struggled and feels that it’s something he enjoys, that he’s good at, that takes his mind away from his troubles for at least a little while) that you are SICK and TIRED of handmade pottery! Do you mean it personally towards the shopkeeper/potter? That much probably hasn’t even crossed your mind. Just for whatever reason, you really feel the need to release negativity on something that someone finds joy in.
Think of how that shopkeeper would feel. He might be hurt and ashamed for showing off his craft. What was he thinking putting it out there for others to see? He might get angry and want to scream and hit at you. All negative reactions. True, Mr. Shopkeeper/Potter might be secure enough in his world where he truly does not feel bothered at all. It’s a very real possibility, but I know more people who would probably feel hurt and anger than be indifferent.
What would have happened had you just ignored the pottery and gone on your merry way? It wasn’t hurting anyone, it certainly wasn’t hurting you in any way, and it made *someone* out there happy. You didn’t expend the energy on getting angry and blowing up over it. The shopkeeper is still having a good day and the world keeps turning. See how easy this option was?
I’m not saying people aren’t entitled to their opinions. I’ve had my moments, I know. I’ll be the first to admit. I just feel like whether it be games, or tv shows, or movies, art, whatever people find happiness in, there’s too many people who can’t just let others be happy and find their own happiness elsewhere. Let’s face it, we are in no way supposed to like the same things. I like being surrounded by people with interests different than mine. Sometimes I might even try something I didn’t think I’d like and be pleasantly surprised. Other times… not so much. Despite how I feel about the topic, I can still appreciate it and be grateful that it’s made someone else’s world a better place.
Isn’t that what we should be striving for anyhow?
So I challenge you. Discuss the big stuff. Have opinions- have very loud opinions if you wish, but try not to give into the negativity that takes away from someone else’s simple pleasures and escapes.