I had a really odd day today.
I woke up sick as a dog. So sick that I was sure I had the flu. Not now, I can’t be sick. We have a show tomorrow that we’ve been looking forward to for months. Our anniversary is Thursday. School was this evening. I. Cannot. Be. Sick.
I realized that even though I felt horrible, that it was as a result of that time of the month. I wasn’t truly sick in the sense that I might be down for a couple of days, and that was a good thing.
As a result, I spent an hour in the tub. While I was relaxing, I put the color on my hair I had gotten to even out my roots. Halfway through the process, I noticed that the color was quite a bit darker than I thought it would be. I didn’t want to go back so dark. I had worked really hard to strip out the old color…
I realized after the process that it actually matched the ends of my hair It was still lighter than the black that I had worked so hard to strip, and it looks really quite good.
School was to be at a different location tonight. Somewhere I had never been. I’d have to take a different bus that I’d never taken before and I’d have to hope to heavens that I managed to signal somewhere around the right stop. The bus driver was filling in for the regular driver and while she was very sweet, she admitted that she didn’t really know where it was I needed to go.
I realized that I didn’t have to leave any earlier to get to school at the different location. I realized that I had a little bit of extra time to get some food and something to take with me to drink during class. I didn’t feel as rushed. And that felt good.
I also realized that the transfer to the new bus was painless and I found my stop quite easily. I had no problems finding the studio and it was nice to be someplace outside of the normal classroom. Different was good.
I forgot that I was to bring my gear with me tonight to practice lighting techniques. Ordinarily, we don’t bring our equipment and in not feeling well, it slipped my mind. There was no way to go home and get mine, but I figured I was at least there, I could observe and make notes. Understand what was being taught and would hopefully retain it until next time.
I realized it wasn’t so hard to let my teacher know that I had forgotten my gear. It wasn’t the end of the world that I was the only person there without a camera for the evening. He had an extra and it gave me an opportunity to try something new. While there were a few settings on his that I wasn’t sure how to change, I did my best and I realized that for never picking up that calibre of camera before, I was doing good.
I felt myself become nervous at the end of class when the teacher began talking about our going to the baseball camp to practice technique. I didn’t want him to know that I had transportation issues. I didn’t want to let him know that I’d pretty much decided to not take part in that one session of class simply because I wasn’t sure how I would get there and I felt embarrassed to admit to anyone that I didn’t drive. I felt my cheeks flush when another student that I had talked to innocently mentioned to him that she knew I didn’t drive and might need some assistance getting there- could anyone help?
And then I realized that this wasn’t a horrible thing. Nobody laughed at me. Nobody stood with their mouths wide open chanting “why don’t you drive?” The teacher understood and said we might be able to work something out and other students actually seemed like they would sincerely help me out. I know the other student didn’t mean to embarrass me, she honestly wanted me to have my chance to go as well. Knowing that other people cared, and that the one thing that I do fear judgement on, wasn’t a factor. I actually felt better with this out in the open. My classmates’ care and acceptance felt really good.
When I got home, I decided to treat myself to some strawberries and cream in a monkey shaped bowl. I went to put a little sugar on the strawberries and it poured out like mad, drowning them. I cursed a little.
I realized that the strawberries were a little too tart after all, and the extra sugar made them taste…really good.
While eating the strawberries, I got to thinking about everything that happened today. How many things there were that kept popping up, seeming like obstacles. Making me feel like maybe I should just go crawl back into bed, turn out the lights and try again tomorrow. I got to thinking about how my anxiety felt more present today. How I felt like certain things were a chore that I was working through rather than enjoying my day. How scared I was to take a different bus to a new place, to learn something I’d never done. How that was probably affecting my stomach this morning too. How nervous and disappointed in myself, and somewhat embarrassed that I had forgotten my camera. And did my hair look anywhere near normal? It wasn’t too dark again was it? How could I not have controlled the sugar bag? Now they know that I don’t drive…. and….and…and…
And then I realized, that I did it.
I realized that this was *me.* Doing the thing. *I* moved forward. There wasn’t a medication controlling my reaction the anxiety i faced and felt. This was all my doing and nothing caught fire and burned… well, except for the baseball bat my teacher used for our technique lesson tonight. (Which was awesome by the way.) This was my facing my fears, feeling and accepting the emotion that came with them and choosing to control my outlook on how things turned out.
I realized that nothing really had been that bad today.
It all turned out pretty good.